Over the river.

Well tomorrow Josh and I are going to my aunt and uncles house for my grandmothers Christmas before she heads down to Texas. Whooha! I don't think my siblings and I have been in the same car together in over five years. We'll see who screams first. (I bet Allison!)

I have been wondering lately if I should try to seek out a new group of mommies to hang out with. As the kidos in my current group get older, the parenting styles of us mommies is getting more and more different. First it was crying at night. Now it's weaning. Soon it will be spanking. Sigh. I feel like I'm in high school again and I'm not quiet in the inner circle of the group. I don't know, maybe it's just my shyness I have yet to beat down. But I do wish for more like minded and spiritual group. But as I long for a group I can feel more involved in, and more equal with, I know in the back of my mind I will also want to run away from it. It's a strange feeling not wanting to say, good bye I have to leave, not because I don't want to leave. But because I do. Really really bad, I need to run away and hide. Hmmmm, maybe it's the weather. Maybe it's SAD. Maybe it's me and I need something else. Is it fear that keeps the desperately wanting to be accepted side of myself from feeling truly attached to my peers. Fear that someone will see the lazy messy unmotivated judgmental person. I hate having to be picky about my friends. I'm not even sure what friendship should look like. Should it be fluid, flexible, always different and exciting, or solid and dependable and unchanging? See I don't know! I don't know if I've ever known how to be a friend. I'm not sure if I can be the fluid, flexible, different and exciting, solid dependable friend that never changes. I know I've changed. I've become set in my ways. I have my life my routine. Do I really need to upset that with friends? Should I set my inner hermit on the front steps to keep people away or tie him up and stick him in the closet? I feel like I have a split personality. Which wacko is the real me? And can I choose?

And then there is Josh. Oh boy is he going to be a talker. He speaks his baby language like a motivational speaker. With gestures and inflection and tone and body language. As far as I can tell he is taking about his world and his relation to everything and what he is going to do. I want to squeeze him to bits. He can say Ah oh and ditty ditty for kitty kitty and chckin for chicken and dox for socks. He is also doing well with the signs, he signs more and kitty and puppy and bye bye and nursey and bath. We are working on owie so he can tell us if his teeth are bothering him. Right now he is working his way through a cold. Almost done hopefully snot free by next monday. Cuz the kleenex are running low.